February 25, 2013

Sporty Spice and Everything Nice

A man once said: “Bitches be crazy.”

I didn't say he was a great man, or even a smart man. But a man once said it. And God help me, he may have been onto something. It was an historic weekend for women in the world of sports. Or more accurately: it was a great weekend for sports.

For the first time ever, a UFC sponsored MMA fight featured two female fighters pitted against each other. Also, the world's most irresponsible use of fossil fuels (read: NASCAR) had its first woman driver in the pole position for the Daytona 500, which I believe is held in Dayton, Ohio (citation needed).

Seems legit.

So that's pretty awesome. Unless your last name is Pistorius. That family seems to HATE women. I mentioned a few weeks ago (see ish #1!) that Olympian Oscar Pistorius was accused of murdering his girlfriend. You know, in case you weren't aware. Well it turns out his brother, Carl Pistorius, also has a history that involves “accidentally” killing a woman. In this case, it was a lady motorcyclist that Pistorius #2 claims ran into him. Because these guys obviously can't take responsibility for anything they do that results in the death of another person.

But wait! There's more! It was recently revealed that Hilton Botha, the lead detective in Pistoriuseses's case, was himself charged with attempted murder. I think this would be the perfect time for the presiding judge to ask for a show of hands. “Has anyone in this room not been involved in a murder? Attempted or otherwise?”

Oh to be a fly on the wall when the only person raising their hand is the court stenographer.

"This HAS to be some sort of clerical error."

However, the Pistoriuseseses family's hatred for women shouldn't overshadow the achievements that this weekend held. Although Ronda Rousey emerged victorious in her bout with Liz Carmouche, they both made history by being the first women MMA fighters to face off in a UFC fight. And even though Danica Patrick came in 8th in this year's Daytona 500, she will forever be remembered as the first lady in the pole position.

Please excuse me for not making every obvious joke that last sentence affords me. I'm just going to take the safe route and go with a good ole fashioned: “You go girl.”

Girls, you have three new potential role models this weekend. There is no excuse for choosing poorly.

Though I am going to suggest someone assign a few bodyguards to the aforementioned women. I get the feeling that femicide failed to skip this generation of Pistoriouseses. Sure, Danica could run Carl down with her GoDaddy.com Chevy, but he has already demonstrated his ability to wipe out fellow motorists. And while I would love to see Ronda Rousey and Liz Carmouche team up to beat Oscar within inches of his life with his own prostheses, I'm not sure they're any match for a pistol. I feel like there's a wonderful opportunity for wordplay somewhere in there. And I squandered it. Like I do.

This weekend's lesson? Anything you can do, so can chicks.

NEXT WEEK: Desmond Nair admits to having a dead hooker in his trunk.