March 11th, 2013

I Just Don't Get It

Did you know that there is no real “off season” for sports?

Sure baseball has an off season, basketball has an off season, even football has an off season. But they don't all coincide with each other. Much to my chagrin.

When I took on the role of (ahem)Senior Sports Writer for The Galactic Crayon, I knew I would have to maybe watch a game or two. Have I done that yet? Could have. Will I ever? Maybe. Stop asking so many damn questions.

Who do you think you are?

After I found out the football season was over, I thought the sports season was over. Because who would want a game on the horizon at all times? Turns out: everyone. So in interest of keeping our loyal readership on board (all three of you), I am going to report on a game I haven't seen in a sport I never watch. As best I can.

Let's see...who played tonight...

Well damn. Everybody. Every single team in basketball played a game tonight. Why did that happen? Does that always happen? Okay, honestly, what kind of madness is this? At 7PM, the Nets played the 76ers. At 8:30PM, the Thunder took on the Spurs. At 9PM, the Pistons tackled the Jazz. At 10PM, the Nuggets went against the Suns. At 10:30PM, the Knicks fisticuffed with the Warriors. And at 10:45PM, I ran out of metaphors to signify competition.

Okay, first off: I thought the Nets were a hockey team. And secondly: what the balls. I don't even mean that as a question. Just: what the balls.

How is anyone supposed to keep up with these things? Every time I overhear a sports conversation, the ones conversing are able to list all of the wallopings that happened prior. They throw names and stats at each other as though they have teams of analysts watching the games for them and handing them a dossier before they head out the door each morning.

Or maybe we've finally caught up with the distant future.

Hey! I found an extra metaphor at the bottom of the barrel! No..wait...that was a simile. Shit.

The point is: I hope you all see my point. Even if I wanted to get into sports (which, I don't) where the hell would I start? What am I supposed to do with this overabundance of information? I get 500 words a week to keep you updated. That's like...I don't even know what that's like. That's insanity, is what that is.

And it's not an inconsequential thing, either. In a sad attempt to connect with me, someone once asked: “Chadwick, are you a Georgia man?”

I realized later that he was asking if I was a Bulldog fan, but I have trouble with context clues. So I replied: “I mean, I'm from Georgia.” Shutting down the conversation entirely.

See? I don't want awkward moments like that in my life. They just happen. And I can't help but wonder how much simpler my life would be if there was just one freaking game on at any given time. But I guess I have to start somewhere. Is hockey still going?

NEXT WEEK: Liveblogging!