February 11, 2013

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Okay, here's the deal: I've been drafted as The Galactic Crayon's senior sports writer. To be honest, no one wanted the gig. Of the three of us, I probably know the least about sports. But it wasn't up to us. It was up to Mason Crotchpummler, our resident decision maker.

Google Image Search's first photo for "Mason Crotch Pummler" and "Wooden Medieval Torture Trapezoid"

Is it strange to name your wooden medieval torture trapezoid Mason Crotchpummler? Ask me again after he's pummeled your crotch. If...you know...you can still produce anything more than a pained wheeze. Mattia built it when we were trying to come up with a name for the site. Ian wanted to call it “Funnystance,” Mattia preferred “The Hellstone School of Takebacks,” and I kind of word-puked “the galactic crayon,” when trying to explain my vision of organized religion whilst under the influence of absinthe.

Mattia disappeared for a few days and reemerged with this completely diplomatic solution. Horrifying but diplomatic. The idea being that if you're going to get to name the site, you should probably take a pummel to the crotch. We each took a position around it, someone spun a dial and bam. Thus: The Galactic Crayon. With none of us wanting to write the weekly sports column, it was time again to defer to Mason Crotchpummeler.

So how about those Ravens eh? They won the big game! You know the one I mean! At least, I think they did. I'm honestly not a hundo-percent on that, but I'm going to leave it for now. Editing, bitches.

What does their victory mean? Well they held a huge parade in Baltimore, for one. Lots of people lining the streets and being as loud as they can so that they can contribute to a mass shouting session at a group of fellow human beings that were able to crash into each other ad nauseam and still manage to somehow get an oblong ball across the length of a football field. Whatever that is. Like a mile? I think it's a mile.

Chad's football field would need 11 more regular football fields in addition to these.

As to the Ravenseses' future in sports? It appears good. Because they really don't have to try anymore. Has any team ever in the history of this sport won the Super Bowl two years in a row? Not a chance! Except maybe one chance! I just looked it up and it appears seven is the number of teams that have done that. So seven chances.

Which brings me to Manti T'eo. Dude totally got catfished. You heard about that, right? Yeah, you did. But how did he not know? There is no excuse for not knowing exactly who you're talking to on the other end. This is the future. We literally live in the future. Skype that shit.

And why are you meeting people online, man? If you're having trouble meeting someone let's switch lives. I know exactly how to utilize your looks and wealth.

So anyway, this will be my awkward weekly attempt at trying to infotain you with everything I know about sports. I am so very sorry.

NEXT WEEK: Catchphrase!