February 18, 2013

I thought starting my weekly sports column right after the Super Bowl was a great idea. It would allow me to follow football from a fresh start. I could watch the games, analyze stats, compare stats to other stats, then spew those stats at you like a pea soup fire hose.

Well it turns out, much to my chagrin, that the Super Bowl is kind of like the football version of a “season finale.” Which means, if anyone wants to watch the drama that is football, they have to put up with reruns.

Oh yeah, this is the one where Peter's brother grabbed him and...wait, we're watching 'Heroes' right?"

So! That leaves me without a whole lot to report. Not realizing I wouldn't be able to watch a football game this weekend, I failed to prepare for this week's article. Hashtag: awkward.

However, I do realize that football isn't the only sport worth reporting. It's just the most absurd (therefore, the most fascinating). Because the connecting tissue of this week's sports stories have nothing to do with football.

Actually, it might have something to do with football. I'm really not sure. Is football an Olympic sport? That's a thing, right?

I'm talking about the Olympics, B-T-dubs. It has been a harsh week for that sacred competition of nation pitted against nation to see who will come in second to the United States. And by “harsh,” I of course mean: “strange as hell.”

I know. Your welcome.

The change won't take place until 2020 because the 2016 wrestling scripts have already been written and the WWE has a contract with the likes of Brodus Clay and Bo Dallas that extend to 2018. And yes, I triple checked those names, they are unfortunately quite real. Also, did anyone know that there's a black wrestler named Booker T? Is everyone okay with that? I'm not sure I'm okay with that.

Feel that sexy disapproval.

But shockingly enough, this isn't the biggest news in the world of Olympic sports. No, that honor would have to go to Oscar Pistorius, the Blade Runner. In a Lance Armstrong-level betrayal to anyone that ever thought him a role model, he murdered the shit out of his girlfriend, which proves the old adage: fuck people.

It was certainly a wake up call to anyone that finds themselves idolizing athletes. The lesson here being: don't. Part of me feels we should maybe cut the man some slack. Being a Blade Runner is quite the burden to bear. When one is tasked with eliminating replicants able to mimic human behavior, surely we can't expect one to be flawless in their judgment. Some actual humans are going to get caught in the crossfire. It's pure arithmetic.

If you lived here, you'd be dying to bust some caps too.

Okay, so turns out that's not why they called him Blade Runner. Apparently the guy literally ran on blades.

Whatever. I ain't rewriting shit.

NEXT WEEK: When does the new season of “basketball” start?