March 12th, 2013

Cookin' It Old School, A Review

Most “Diners, Drive-ins & Dives” opens with Guy Fieri introducing the show while driving his car on some busy street—highway, bridge, or school zone—incurring all manner of traffic violations.

He's probably accrued a lot of hit and runs in his time...

After a food porn montage set to a manic guitar riff reminiscent of Dueling Banjos, episode “Cookin’ It Old School” (S4E10) begins with Guy Fieri visiting a small-town dive called Nadine’s where he mercilessly mocks her, her naive business sense, and her poor, poor broken oven.

Fuck you and fuck your oven! I'm Guy Fieri!

Nadine’s first offering to Infieri Consumer of All Calories is a roast beef sandwich. During the making of this dish, Fieri almost loses a finger as he snags a piece of beef from a running slicer. But, his close brush with amputation is quickly forgotten as he snarfs down the offering.


After the sandwich is finished and drowning in gravy, Guy Fieri consumes it and orgasmically smacks his lips in approval.

Nadine’s second offering—a pasta dish with a ton of cured meats, some cheese, and tomato sauce—is something that, by all accounts, Guy Fieri should have liked, but turns out, no

After watching the same amount of Triple D episodes that I have, you learn to tell what Guy Fieri likes and what he effing loves.

If, say, he moistedly blurts out how the meal is good enough to eat with a shoe (or more commonly, a flip flop), then yeah, he kinda fucking loves it.

But on the flip side, when Guy Fieri does not like something, he never outright says it. It’s either because he’s a nice guy, or he’s under some Food Network obligation to pretty much like everything near his food hole or else he comes across as Gordon Ramsey.

Gordon Ramsey, you HAVE to guest host an episode of Diners, Drive-ins & Dives

So, how could I tell that he didn’t like the second dish?

When Guy Fieri starts to wax on about the specific ingredients that make up a dish—as if we didn’t know what a salami tasted like or we just happened to plum forget the previous two minutes—then more than likely, he did not like it.

Anyway. After getting in some last minute jabs at Nadine and her dumbass sons, Guy Fieri leaves restaurant in a burning husk and drives off to New Orleans.

* * *

The second segment—set in an New Orleans oyster bar—features two important illuminations of Triple D lore: Guy Fieri’s ability to unhinge his jaw to eat a giant soft-shell crab sandwich and The Hunch.

The Hunch is something that Guy Fieri has threatened to copyright over the years because let’s face it, if he was a Dragon Ball Z villain, it’d be his final form.

Essentially, the Hunch is a sandwich eating maneuver that requires both elbows to jut out out for perimeter defense (in case someone wants to steal his food or something), a slight upward angle of the arms to act as a grease/juice drain, and pinkies out because Guy Fieri cares about etiquette, apparently.

After eating an unholy amount of fried seafood, raw seafood, and a lion (maybe), Guy Fieri leaves New Orleans never to visit the city again.

* * *

Unfortunately, the last segment is pretty inconsequential to the overall Triple D experience unless you count Guy Fieri pulling a Quentin Tarantino where he unearths his “black accent” around black people.


Okay, me neither. So, I’m going to shift gears and talk about Guy Fieri’s ego.

Spoiler alert: it’s big. I guess that’s obvious to a lot of people, but for me, it came as a slow realization.

If you’ve watched as many “Diners, Drive-ins & Dives” as I have, you start to notice certain things about Guy Fieri. For one, he genuinely hates when things accidently splatter on him. He irritates the shit out of old people. He wears flip flops everywhere. And, he can sense a potential usurper a mile away.

I imagine for the majority of the people featured on Triple D, they’re just happy to be on the show.

But I think there are some featured chefs who believe they can parlay a Triple D appearance into a Food Network gig. And when Guy Fieri senses this, he shut its down.

Like in this clip, the chef is affable, funny, and does a great job explaining the cooking process. But then out of nowhere, Guy Fieri interrupts and talks over the guy explaining the exact same thing but in Fieri-speak.

He does this a lot, and everytime it happens it’s uncomfortable.

Each and every time this ego-trip happens, my image of Guy Fieri slowly morphs from some goofy, food vacuum oaf with a weird haircut into some jealous, impatient, villainous flip-flop wearing ego dick.

Almost. Not quite. I'm sorry.

And for me, this is sad. it’s sad to watch the show and realize how much of a dick Guy Fieri actually is, especially now when he’s so popular to hate.

I know that entire previous sentence was bafflingly ridiculous, but it happens and I hate it.

Until I see this...

...and I realize, maybe I’m reading way too much into things.

Want to know what other stuff Ian reads way too much into? Join him on Twitter and find out! Hint: he sees Illuminati symbols everywhere. Especially in his cereal. He also sees Reptilians in his cereal, too. Please buy him cereal.